Mass Effect 3: X-TENDED CUT
by Fug Chugson
Summary: An inane multi-crossover fanfic about a sociopathic Commander Shepard's trials and tribulations in beating the Reapers. United with a cast from several science-fiction franchises, Shepard has to stop the Reapers from draining Earth of its most precious resource: deviant pornography. Watch our hero's hijinks as he endeavors to deliver his fans an ending they'll actually like!
1. Chapter 1 - Our Hero

**Mass Effect 3: X-TENDED CUT**

 _\- An inane fanfiction authored by Fug Chugson, esq. -_

* * *

Preface:

The following is an amalgamation of weird thoughts that I have had from the year of 2012 until now. These weird thoughts still continue. I have sought help for them, but every expert I have confided in has come to the conclusion that I'm just a dingus.

After playing Mass Effect 3 in 2012, and upon the announcement of the "Extended Cut" to "fix the ending", I came up with the idea of an ending that would make everybody happy. I started relentlessly channeling these weird thoughts into this "fanfiction" in hopes that my friends and others would enjoy it.

As this story continues, I might add footnotes that will explain the references, because some of them are so obscure they may as well not exist. Don't be perturbed, I'm here for you bb. (Actually, I probably won't be, since I tried and accidentally put them in the reviews, and since this website is fucking archaic, it won't let me delete my own reviews on my own story. Go figure. Also, make a better website pls) I actually will add some though, look at the bottom of each chapter. Should have done that in the first place.

I will post this garbage weekly on Wednesdays probably I don't know.

If you're actually reading this, congratulations. This is your last chance to turn back. No? You actually want to read this atrocity? Well, I guess I can't stop you...

* * *

 **CHAPTER 1**

 **Our Hero**

Commander Shepard came through the Massive Relay. The next second, he was followed by the quarian, turian, krogan, batarian, asari, and salarian fleets. He was a badass motherfucker for doing so and getting all the races, even the volus, ewok, hanar, wookiee, vorcha, elcor, elephant, and grizzly bear. Even those Leviathans and the Protheans showed up, because Shepard bought the DLC.

Next the Crucible pulled up, flaunting it's big I-don't-know-what-it's-for thing and strutting its stuff. This made Commodore Shepherd very pleasured.

Then showed up the USS _Enterprise_ , the _Millennium Falcon_ , the back half of UNSC _Forward Unto Dawn_ , and that little UFO thing from The Jetsons.

"Truly this is glorious news, for I will have them in mine cabin to dine tonight," quoth the Shepherd, as he walked away triumphantly, guiding the sheep with his crook. In the distance, he heard a baby cry.

That night, Shepard's cabin was alive with mirth and frivolity. He invited to dine many a dignitary of the respective factions now under his haughty command. Among them were Captain Jean-Luc "Lucky" Picard of the USSR _Enterprise_ , Commander George Lucas Skywalker (known colloquially as "Luke") of the _Millennial Falconer_ , Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy of the butt of the ship that used to be known as the USMC _Forward Into Don_ (Master Chief loves _Mad Men_ ), and that other guy that Shepard didn't recognize named Admiral "The Arbiter" Anderson. Comrade Shepard was very pleased to have a party with so many new friends. He prepared a speech.

Ding ding ding! He tapped on his glass with his metal phallus. A speech!

"Hi you guys! I'm so happy that you're here! We're going to have a big party! But first we must beat the Reapers."

There was dissent and assent among the dignitaries.

"I thought we showed up for a party," said Sir Lucas Guytalker.

"Yeah, this guy dun swindled us!" came another exclamation, apparently from that other guy.

"Clam down, all of you!" Shepard was angry, but he need to keep his clam. He had to get angry later, at the Reapers. "The Reapers have made alliances with a lot of other bad guys, and we gots to fight them, K?"

There came a resounding "K" from the crowd as everyone agreed.

Master Chief was the only guy who didn't K. Shepard asked him:

"Hey armor guy, why don't you K?"

Master Chief then replied, "Relax. I'd rather not piss this thing off."

"But we gotta! We gotta save the Earth!"

"Wake me... when you need me."

And with that Master Chief fell asleep, right there in Shepard's cabin.

THE DAY BEFORE THE DAY OF THE BIG BATTLE

Shepard was now getting ready to fight. He sent some Bothan spies to figure out what was going on all up in Earth's grill, and after many of them died, they gave him the digs. It turns out that Darth Vadre and his trusty steed, Grand Muff Dick "Tarkin" Cheney, parked the Death Star where the Moon used to be, but he wasn't tricking anyone because the Death Star does not look like the moon at all (especially with the new paintjob). The Reapers were there too, because... well, just go and play the games. I don't want to explain it.

Next in line were the Covenant, who were acting like a bunch of dicks because the Elites weren't on their side, which pretty much meant that they had a bunch of dumbass Brute pilots who knew nothing about actually fighting in vehicles bigger than their bodies. Their current leader was Her Majesty The Honorable Judge Prophet of Truth (or Dare). He was a haughty dude, but he was also a chick, and he/she was ugly as a rat's taint. This made him even more of a dick because Arbiter was pretty.

Anyway, the Romulans and the Klingons showed up, because, as everyone knows, nobody likes them because they don't like anyone. Maybe the Borg was there too, I don't remember.

So the Shepard figured out this stuff, as well as got the receipts from his shoe shopping, as he was going to return every pair because they "weren't fierce enough" to fight the Reapers with. After that day, Shepard was never going shoe shopping with Garrus again.

Shepherd wanted to have a meeting with his new friends. He really liked the thought of having new friends, which is why he has had different team members every game, but Mass Effect 3 only had James, and James kind of sucked. He didn't consider Javik a friend because, well, Shepard was quite the racist. He was constantly throwing around insults like "hey, four-eyes" and "stop looking at my dick, faggot", which made Javik kind of angry, but he didn't really care because he knew Shepard was calling him a faggot because the accuser was insecure about his own sexual orientation. Let's continue.

Shepard called together everyone in a meeting in his cabin. Chief was still asleep, standing up, like some kind of horse, and it kind of bothered the Shepard. But whatever. Mucus Flyswatter was pretty happy about fighting, cause his dad was working for Darth Vader's mother in law, or something like that. Shepard didn't really care.

"Hay you guys," said Shepard with a rapist wit.

"Yes what is it," said everyone else, kind of offended that he didn't care about Luke's story.

"The Rapers are going to get totally pounded tonight. It's gonna be so cool..." and then he trailed off into a tangent about floppy ass and team bukkake, which kind of disturbed Captain Pickaxe. But they agreed with him 103.2%, because they were all pretty bad at math.

This was the game plan: Arbiter was going to kick ass and chew gum with Comrade Shaperd, while Picard commanded the USS _Enterprise_ on a strike team mission thing to blow up the Death Star. Luke and Admirals Allah and Akbar were gonna get in their big old ships and shoot lots of big laser guns at the bad guys, and Admiral Hack-it was going to take the Crucible for a joyride straight into the Citadel, which was sitting in front of Earth. It was going to be a surprise attack, because all the bad guys were hosting a prestigious banquet on the Citadel and it was so snobby that Shepard decided he would go in there and "make sure everyone's slutty blue trophy wives were fucked equally by his biotic member" (the asari consort is still a very profitable business on the Citadel).

After the meeting in Shepard's cabin, Liara was so proud of Shepard that she dropped down and proposed to him on the spot. Shepard was gonna accept, and then he realized it would be a perfect time for her to tickle his peeny, so she reluctantly obliged. Shepard woke up the next morning with the engagement ring on his pee pee. Luckily he was able to pull it off, but now he didn't wanna put it on his finger for obvious reasons. So he gave it to Legion, who just didn't care because he couldn't get sick from dickworm.

THE DAY OF THE BIG BATTLE

Shepard was now staging the attack. Shepard was standing on the deck of the itty bitty little shippy ship, SSV _Norman D_. Everyone was in position. Everything was going according to plan for Dr. Shepard. They closed in on the Citadel for the attack. The bad guys had no idea what was going on.

Just then something very weird happened. The Klingons, who had previously been touching dicks and watching vulcan porn, not looking out the windows, started moving into position. Shepard's sources told him that the porn servers on Earth finally got knocked out by the Reapers, because the Reapers are very religiously conservative, and they hate porn. Because of this, the Klingons were not masturbating and engaging in ruff-housery, and saw the big-ass fleet out the window. Shepard spouted off a couple tame curse words and then later apologized to his invisible mother for doing so. Shepard had a kind soul.

"Quick!" shouted Shepard on the bridge of the _Omaha Beach_. "Fire up the porn servers and amplify our WiFi signal! Let's move people!"

Shepard's plan was to relay the Klingons some really fucked-up porn to keep them occupied and make it look like the servers were only down temporarily. Everyone knows the Klingons are easily distracted by weird porn.

"Shepard!" said XO Pressly. "I've found some really, really fucked up stuff here."

"Let me see it," Shepard scoffed. He went over and looked at it, and snortled with a sheepish chin. "Preposterous! Human millipede is _so_ mainstream! Hand it over, Bentley!"

Shepard grabbed the computer from XD Prestley, who was stunned that his tastes didn't fit Shepherd's. Shepard was onto something here. "Yes. Yes! YESSS!" Shepard licked his teeth in anticipation. It was all he could do to stop himself from jacking off right there. "Send this shit, bitch!"

Pressly looked at the screen. He pooped out of his mouth in disgust. After shakily wiping up, he started to cry. "Commander," he stuttered out. "It's... perfect."

Shepard, now covered in Pretzely's bile-infused feces, agreed. He had an enormous erection - one even his tight armor couldn't contain. Everyone on the bridge saw it and gagged. "Send it now, Penthouse. Send it now."

"Loading into WiFi space cannon now," his heterosexual secretary Kelly Chambers said with a twinge of excitement.

There was a big boom. "Porn is away," said someone on deck.

Shepard waited for what seemed like hours. Months. Years. Then, finally, after an excruciatingly long wait, the Klingon ships turned around and ignored Shepard's fleet.

Shepard's boner receded back into itself. He exhaled slowly. He was sweating so hard there was a pool of white stuff in his pa- no wait, that's semen. That was his semen. Don't wanna get those mixed up.

Shepard grinned. The plan was starting to work. He looked out the window. Admiral Hatchet was pulling the Crucible with what appeared to be none other than an early-1900's tugboat. Shepard shook his head. Hackett was a fucking genius.

He looked to his left. Commodore Pick-a-card-any-card had turned the USS _Enterprize_ into a pimped-out Trojan horse, and it was looking so fly that the bad guys probably couldn't wait to get their grubby paws on it. _Not before I get my grubby paws on them..._ Shepard thought. _I will have their blood on my hands...TONIGHT!_

Shepard looked ahead. The Citadel was looking like a giant penis, and High Charity and the Death Star became the testicles. Shepherd howled with laughter. It was a great day for phallic superstructure enthusiasts.

"Engage stealth drives!" Shepard was getting feisty.

"Yessir Mr. Shepard sir" replied the now cleaned up XXX Priestly. Shepard turned invisible. "Fuck," said Shepard. "Not me, bitch. The ship."

"Oh, of course sir. I'm a so sorry sir."

"No, Liara's so asari. Samara's so asari. You're just a bloody buttpirate. Now get back to work, Printing Press!" Sheperd had now shed his layer of frustration by taking it out on his crew. Yes, passive-aggressiveness was key to leadership, and Shepard was a bitchin' leader.

Shepard contacted his mildly ethnic lesbian secretary, Samantha Traynor. "Is armor guy still asleep?"

"Yes sir," came the thick, British reply. "He exhibits no signs of being awake."

"Dag gummit! What's his fuckin problem?"

"I don't know sur-"

"SHUDDUP!" Shepard could deal with this. He called Luke. "What's going on over there?"

"We're getting in position to fire the big guns," said Puke. "Oh SHIT-"

There was green flash from the Daft Star. Then there was a splosion.

"Wat's goin on over there? Is everything K?"

"One of our big ships a splode! We's got to attack! I'm getting in my X-Wig!"

"I gotchu!" Shepard addressed his krew. "Let's do this, gang! Rise and shine!"

His bridge crew all woke up and got out of bed reluctantly, still in their PJ's. Shepard slept completely nude, and Pressly was uncomfortable having to share a bed with him. Shepard didn't care because he thought that his micropenis was big in comparison to Wrex's. And, unfortunately, it was. But let us continue.

* * *

Leia and Han Solo were on the _Centurial Pelican_ , flying around 'cause they were probably doing something irresponsible like drinking or doing each other. They were gonna have to attack the Death Star because the Death Star's existence was merely a turn-off. Also, their good ol' buddy Luke (who they actually didn't like because he was a cocky SOB) told them to. But that wasn't too important, obviously.

Chewus Baccius was a very classy wookiee. He was saved by Shepard on that one planet because Shepard was a good guy to him. The Empire - I mean, the Reapers - killed his family, so he hooked up with Hans one day and they decided that they would rule the galaxy. Then the Reapers came and bought his family's land before sending him to a work camp up north. Chewy swore that one day he would avenge his family's honor on the Reapers by sticking his furry foot up their "bloody buttholes". As I said before, he was classy.

Chewius decided it would be beneficial to himself and his furry member to do the skedaddle and get with Luke and the gang, because Hand was totally driving himself into a... I can't remember the word, something having to do with ambush, or something like that. It's a pretty simple word, I just can't think of it. Whatever.

Anyway, after Admiral Osama bin Ackbar had proceeded with his morning prayers, he and his brother Mohammed proceeded to the viewscreen to see what was up. Now Admiral Ackybar was a "pimp-ass nigga", and dem "wack-ass muh'fuckas" made him very cross. But whatever. He, Luke, and Chewius Bacca had a bitchin plan.

Here was the plan: they were gonna use their swagtor beams to swagger onto the Death Star and somehow assist in blowing it up. It was a suicide mission, but Chewie was depressed anyway. All they had to do was slip in past the shields on a Peregrine Falcon, blow the thing, and run. And the shields were down.

They...were down, right?

* * *

 **REFERENCES**

Para. 19 \- Dick Cheney. Look it up.

Para. 44 \- This is a reference to a very old YouTube video series called "Wizard People, Dear Reader", which is just Brad Neely overdubbing _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_ with his own script. In one scene, Harry decides that he will try to implicate Snake (Snape) in something sinister, saying "I will have his blood on my hands... tonight!" It's inane, but a lot smarter and better written than what you have read and hopefully will read here. Look it up.


	2. Chapter 2 - Battling With Friends

Preface:

It gets weirder.

Most of this chapter was written in the year 2014 or 2015.

Enjoy.

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 **CHAPTER 2**

 **Battling With Friends**

Commander Shepard, who had previously been standing on the deck of his ship and furiously masturbating whilst violently whistling at his crew when they happened to walk by, was now standing in a strange yet intimidating pose. It was strange mostly because his dick was hanging out of his fly, which was a sign to his crew that he was either about to take a huge shit or fight a big battle. But really, is there any difference to our hero Commander Shepard?

Based Shepard was shouting loudly at his crew. This was his moment to shine in the big battle. However, his shouting became groany whispers as he found after 4 hours of doing so that he'd lose his voice. Remember, they're in space, and flying through space takes a while, especially when everyone's texting while piloting. ANYWAY BACK TO THE STORY

The Reapers had finally woken up from draining the internet of all smut, which of course reminded Shepard of his motives, and shook his resolve. What was he here to save: Earth, or the Internet? Then Shepherd socked himself in the exposed penis as he told himself that the Internet took over Earth years ago. Earth was the Internet. Silly Shepard.

As Kelly came over to wipe Commander Sheffield's nose, he blew a snot bubble big enough that it engulfed the whory Miss Chambers, and she became trapped in a snot bubble, the likes of which had never been seen before, or ever again. Of course, this aroused Shepard to no end, but he had enough restraint to focus on the serious task at hand: stopping the Reapers from draining the Earth's porn supply.

He saw a big green light again, and as it turned out, the Breath Star had big ass deflector shields and was taking potshots at whatever it could see. Unfortunately, it was super inaccurate because no one thought to build windows in the Death Star. This architecture pleased the Geth, so eventually they went to the Empire's side because they were prejudiced enough to believe that people who didn't believe in windows were the superior race. The Geth, due to their outdated dual-core processors (didn't even use hyperthreading wat noobs amirite?), couldn't fully comprehend how shitty the Empire was before making this collective decision. Legion then threw himself out the airlock before saying, "insufficient regrets", which made the crew chortle because #YOLO.

To start the attack, however, Shepard needed that old bald dude in the saucer. He looked around his map, but didn't see it. When he finally found the _Enterprise_ , it was sitting way back behind the rest of the front line and was mingling with the shittier fleets, like the elcor, hanar, and cartoon characters. _This is a war, goddamn it_ , Shepard thought. _What the ass are those cucks doing back there?_

The _Normandy_ was kind of old in comparison to the brand-spankin' new _Enterprise_ -E and antimatter cores are objectively better than mass effect ones, so the _Enterprise_ could catch up to the _Normandy_ at any point. In fact, the _Normandy_ was pretty far out from the battle too, they were just going as fast as they can and getting nowhere. Remember, the only reason that humans go fast in spaceships is because of cool shit the Protheans and Reapers left them, like Massive Relays. Shepard's guys actually kind of blow in comparison to Starfleet officers. Those guys actually run ships with professionalism, organization, and class. Frankly, they could probably beat the Reapers pretty easily.

* * *

The USS _Enterprise_ was an absolute fucking mess. Captain Picard was asleep in boredom at the subplot of this mission, which involved something about Data and Charles Dickens or some shit like that. Worf was jerking off to his own indecision about if he should be anti- or pro-porn like his Klingon buddies (who still fucking hate his guts anyway). Geordi was trying to bang his holographic waifu (who is actually a real person that he got rejected by that one time). Wesley, who just got back from his vision quest with an alien pedophile man, had just been told off by the captain for the 12th time today, and was busy trying to stop the ship from exploding, because apparently the best ship in Starfleet can't operate normally for at least more than 3 minutes. Commander Riker was in his room banging some chick who he saw in the hallway, before realizing it was some parasitic alien who absorbed his dick tissue, but hey, it was the 24th century, and that means everything can be solved, and he had a new dick just in time for his booty call with Counselor Troi. So yeah, it was a normal day.

After a few well-placed speeches and "make it so"s, El Capitan Dickyard decided his job was over for the day and went to do yoga or some rich people shit. Riker was on his last Viagra, so pretty much every living thing on the ship had its asshole stretched by the end of the evening. This meant that Data was the acting captain, and he just didn't give a shit, so he decided to boost the Enterprise's swag output (which was Geordi's plan all along) to let everyone know that their ship actually existed and was doing something to help fight the incredible battle happening around them. Shepard, aboard the _Normandy_ , noticed this and became rightly enthused simply because he took a liking to the quantization of swag. Shepard is SoO0oo rAnD0m !

After getting rejected by a ship-building hologram waifu with a hot mole, Chief Engineer Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge was sullenly on transporter duty. Ever since Transporter Chief O'Brien quit to settle down with his Yoko of a wife, everyone had to take turns doing the transporter because no one on the ship full of thousands of people wanted to have a job that miserable. At the height of his anime angst, Geordi decided he would go back to Engineering and fondle the engine a little bit, leaving transporter room 3 unmanned.

Oh no! A breach of Starfleet Protocol! What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

Back on the _Century Hawk_ , the gang was solving a mystery. They called it "how do you get on the motherfucking Death Star", and it was puzzling them. The sullustan in the copilot seat, who was so obviously and borderline racistly being portrayed as mexican, shook the tassels on his sombrero as Tie-Dye fighters shot their glowing wads all over the ship. "Hey man this thing's a piece of trash, hombre," he exclaimed, wiping the cigarette ash off his poncho. Chewie agreed wholeheartedly with a subsonic rumble of his massive hairy balls. This ride needed some sick upgrades! Chewster could just imagine the spinning rims, the sick hydraulics, the nitrous-

Hey, wait! Che\/\/ie had an idea! Back in Tattoo Land, he had bought some nitrous from some pimp named Jibber the Shack, or something like that. Chewie had been saving that 3 million credits for cancer treatments for his dying uncle Zaalbar, but he decided that Zaalbar was a chump anyway because he rolled with a gay-ass crew (like srsly, since when do we let girls in the crew?). Chewie ran to the cargo hold, passing Leia, whom he believed not to be a person, but only a piece of ass for him to chew (thus, his name), which bothered Leia, but she had gotten used to blatant misogyny ever since she realized she was living in the 1970s. Chewer grabbed the big can labeled N2O and ran up to Han, barking in spanish (Gonzales the sullustan had taught him). Han instantly understood. "Oh hell naw", he exclaimed with a smile as he examined the bitchin' canister. By the time he looked back up, Chewie was already in full spacesuit. He grabbed the can and ran out the airlock.

"Godspeed, son. Godspeed."

* * *

 **REFERENCES**

Para. 8-10 \- For those unfamiliar with _Star Trek: The Next Generation_ , I pity you, but I will make some things clear.

\- There was an episode where Geordi (LeVar Burton) has to fix a problem with the ship by talking to a hologram of one of its original builders. The hologram is just an extrapolation of what she would actually be like personality-wise, and Geordi (a neckbearded engineer) falls in love with her. Later, Geordi actually meets the real woman, and she's not only less amicable, but married, and Geordi just creeps on her the whole time. Also, she has a hot mole.

\- There are also a lot of episodes in the holodeck where they act out some Charles Dickens fantasy bullshit because they need to justify having great theatrical actors like Patrick Stewart (Picard) and Brent Spiner (Data) on a show about weird space shit.

\- Wesley Crusher (Wil Wheaton) leaves the cast in a later season after going through space puberty, which involves a weird alien who can travel through dimensions taking him on a vision quest-like adventure when he could have been finishing school.

\- Commander William T. Riker, the first officer of the USS Enterprise, fucks.

\- Chief O'Brien (Colm Meaney), a minor character, has a Japanese wife that not everyone likes. He leaves the show to have a bigger role on _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine_ , and also to settle down on a space station with his annoying wife and fat baby.

Look it up. Actually, watch the show. Don't let the first season discourage you.

2nd to last paragraph \- Zaalbar is a wookiee companion character from the video game _Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic_. Although, I tagged this as a Mass Effect/Star Wars crossover, so why didn't you pick up on that one?


	3. Chapter 3 - Crisis Mode Activate

Preface:

If you didn't figure it out by the description, you've probably figured out by now that this isn't just a Mass Effect/Star Wars crossover. It's got everything.

Right about now, you're figuring, "I should bail. I don't know Halo. I don't like Star Trek. Fuck this!" Well, fuggin' stay with it my dude. None of that shit matters. All you gotta know is what I tell you, and my benevolent co-author Google will tell you the rest.

So just lay back, put your laptop on your chest, pop open a cold one (Mountain Dew is preferred), light one up (a marijuana is preferred) and read some stupid shit with your boi Fug. I promise it won't be _too_ shitty.

* * *

 **CHAPTER 3**

 **Crisis Mode Activate**

Stars twinkled. Wind blew. Lazers crisscrossed the perilous skies above Earth.

The Honorable Ser Shepred looked on with a conviction only possible for a man with no fear and three erect nipples. From the corner of his eye he could see the _1000 Year Bird_ floating nearby, and he wondered why they had not obeyed his command and did anything, but then he saw the _Enterprise_ and realized that they weren't doing anything either. Actually, pretty much nobody in his fleet was fucking doing anything. Shepard inhaled and exhaled slowly. He had to keep his cool. If he kept his cool, everyone would think he was a pretty cool guy. If he didn't, well… let's just say there aren't enough assholes to forcibly prolapse on the SSV _Normandy_.

Yeoman Kelly Chambers approached hesitantly. Shepard could smell her perfume. It didn't arouse him because it was too feminine (disregard that), but he groped her anyway. She had learned not to recoil at his touch, but when she thought about it, her nostrils winced. _Don't put it in there again_ , she thought. _Please don't put it there._ Her nose was dry and not properly lubed for the occasion, so Shepard considered, but eventually declined the nonexistent invitation to nasal sex. Kelsey let out a sigh of relief. "I-is there anything wrong, c-Commander?"

Shepard turned to look at her, his eyes boring holes into her retinas. He let out the longest fart that she had ever heard. His eye contact never broke, and Chelsea didn't dare look away. The flatulence was so pungent and the gentle diminuendo was so beautiful that she began to weep. After an hour and thirty six minutes of menacingly staring at his secretary while making a majestic ass raspberry, Shepard finally smiled. "That will be all, wife."

Left alone again with only his thoughts and his Fleshlight, Sephard gazed longingly at the galaxy map. He zoomed in on a particularly sexy planet - the one with the conveniently shaped crater, you know the one. After blowing a load into his Mako-shaped masturbatory tool and glaring at his crew to make sure they all gave him eye contact, he decided to retire to his captain's cabin. This was the endgame, and everybody knows that with the endgame comes sexy times with the crew (as if that planet wasn't sexy enough).

After a 5 hour bender with the Space Hamster (as some terrified Space Fish looked on), Sehperd was exhausted. He took a little bitty nappy nap in his bed, gazing at the stars above. He saw some hairy fucker in a spacesuit drift by his window, but he paid him no mind. When he awoke, the battle would continue, as it has for all eternity. Soon, the Earth would have its own conveniently-shaped crater, and he would take the real Mako down for a… ride.

"Goodnight, Master Chief," whispered Shepard before he blew out the last candle.

The Chief stood silent and motionless; Commander Clifford wouldn't have had it any other way.

* * *

After seeing some truly disturbing shit through the window of the _Normandy_ , The Chewiest continued on his way to installing nitrous on the _Captain Falcon_. This was a difficult procedure, so when he got to the engines, he took a moment to prepare and prayed to his furry-assed God to help him in his time of need. He heard a voice - far off, yet deep and comforting - calling from the distance...

" _Fuck that shit up, fam."_

Ser Chester Bacca, fourth of his name, let out a primal "YEYAH" and promptly smacked that shit on the engine. A job well done, he wiped his brow, which, in this case, was just the visor of his spacesuit. That was one of the hardest jobs he had done since the Rwookrrorro sewage backup of '89. He proceeded back to the airlock and dropped trou. Luckily for Chewus, Leia came around the corner at that instant. She yelped in surprise, but to our hero's dismay, she beheld not his furry member, as it was properly obscured with more fur. The Chewmeister then let out a grunt that imitated the cry of the great tarantatek, a force beast so powerful that it could coerce a Jedi Master into choking himself to death on his own Johnson.

Anyway, Leia ran away again and Han came to give him a big ol' hug. Unfortunately, the cry of the tarantatek made our furry hero quite turgid, and the hug was more awkward than most he had encountered in his travels with Mr. Solo. They promptly made like a banana and split (hyuk hyuk hyuk) and took the old clunker right up to the Death Star/Citadel genital superstructure megazord.

Now within range of the penile tip of the Citadel, they were clear to engage the fabled Swagtor Beam®.

"Engage the Swagtor Beams!" said Dr. Hans Olo.

"Yeah man, press the button, muchacho," concurred Sullustan McRacist Hernandez.

Chewman pressed a button. He thought it was the right button, but nothing happened. Instead, he was met with a voice that said "ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word" every time he pressed it. Now exceedingly enraged, our hero, New England Clam Chewder, went into CRISIS MODE.

Now, dear reader, CRISIS MODE is a very special metagame for our hero Chubocka. When he enters CRISIS MODE, his base attributes change. However, he has to roll above a 15 at least 4 times in a row.

Mr. Hands, sensing Chew-E's CRISIS, hastily reached into his cavernous anal cavity and procured his d20. Chewy grabbed it with a primal roar and threw it to the ground. It came up immediately:

 _19._

He picked it up and hurled it again, this time with a screech that would cause a mynock to have an explosive miscarriage.

 _17._

"Madre de dios!" cried the guy whose name is actually Nien Nunb. Another throw.  
 _  
15._

Han squealed. "Holy shit, Chag-man! You barely got that one!"

Chew roared in his face with all the ferocity of a fuel efficient sports sedan. He then lifted the d20 above his head and uttered a prayer to Space Jesus, Hairy Jesus, RNGesus, Toyota Prius, and all the other Jesuses that he could think of, and dropped the die.

 _20._

Suddenly and without warning, there was a blinding flash of light and a deafening noise. Han, Manny, and Leia could only squint and cover their ears as a blue-haired, strangely-proportioned, massively muscular Japanese man emerged from the 5th dimension and yelled "EVORUSHON OVERDURAIIIVUUUU!"

* * *

 _ **Next time on Untitled Fan Fiction -**_

 _Our hero Chewie has evolved - but who's to say he'll be there when the smoke clears?_

 _Fetty Bobe makes an appearance!_

 _Commander Shepard continues to bring the laughs (and the gasps!)!_

 _Lukey boy comes under some trouble with his dad!_

 _Will the Enterprise do anything?_

 _Find out next time on_ MASS EFFECT 3: X-TENDED CUT!

* * *

 **REFERENCES**

Para. 11 & 12 \- Rwookrrorro is not a made-up word. Remember, Kashyyyk has three Y's. Three! Rwookrrorro is the wookiee village you go to in _Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic_. The other _KotOR_ reference here is the tarantatek, which is a really tough opponent to fight in the game.

Last paragraph \- This is a reference to JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. And don't worry - it's only going to get more bizarre.

\- The main protagonist of JoJo part 1 is Jonathan Joestar, and he has a moveset that involves him putting "overdrive" at the end of the names of all his attacks, but in "Engrish" it comes out more like "obehduraivu".

The whole of "Crisis Mode" is something I came up with while playing D&D with some of my friends. I was shoehorned into their campaign and given an existing character's animal companion as my character, so I was super bored, and they were essentially telling me what to do instead of me being my own character. I decided that I would add my own metagame, which involved me rolling a 15 or above 4 times in a row. I had already rolled new attribute scores, and I was going to change to those if Crisis Mode succeeded. It never did, and everyone in the campaign called me an idiot and ridiculed Crisis Mode. But that's what you get for trying to play the way you wanna play, I guess.


	4. Chapter 4 - Shepard Is Not Crash

Preface:

I apologize in advance. Again.

* * *

 **CHAPTER 4**

 **Shepard Is Not Crash**

I bet you're wondering, dear reader, how our heroes got to this point - the Reapers have taken over planet Earth and the rest of the Milky Way, and are about to finish the annihilation of every sentient race in the galaxy. It's pretty complicated, but the simple answer is that our heroes suck balls.

Shepard tried to tell the council, like, twenty goddamned times that the greatest threat to the galaxy was coming, but the Council didn't care because they're long-lived assholes who go home and shove random household objects up their asses while listening to Enya in 7.1 surround sound and making duck noises on a conference call with every extremely wealthy business executive in the galaxy doing the same thing (this is Shepard's speculation at least). But really, who can say where the road goes? To anyone besides Shepard and his friends (who were afraid of saying no to him because of the implication), the idea of a machine race that wipes out sentient life every 50,000 years is fucking Alex Jones-level tinfoil hat bullshit.

But then Sovereign attacked the Citadel that one time, and Shepard saved the Council and a bunch of other motherfuckers from certain doom by blowing up Sovereign himself (maybe Joker helped, but shut the fuck up Shepard's the hero). So the Council was going to believe the Reapers thing now, right? Wrong, because Shepard kind of fucked up by not giving them sufficient evidence for the Reapers existing besides a bunch of broken parts that make people into zombies, which could easily be explained as "Geth devices". Then after Shepard died on the way to the grocery store, he comes back with a white nationalist terrorist organization and demands the Council take him super serial this time, which had exactly the opposite effect (because Shepard was now working as a zombie lobbyist for a pro-human group under control of evil Space Elon Musk man). Then he goes and destroys the Collectors, which nobody thinks exists, and now they really don't exist, so he can't prove to anyone that they ever existed in the first place.

So, yeah, our hero had made some pretty bad decisions in the past few years. So what? He's still kickin, and he's still fisting assholes all over outer space. The Reaper thing is whatever, once he's done with them he can get that timeshare he wanted on the Moon, settle down, adopt a few pigs, and buy a couple kids to fetch him the newspaper and do his laundry. Our hero Shepurd just wants to live a quiet life. But all that changed once he met two very special guys…

Shepard snapped out of his stupor once he realized his toast was done. He fetched the nutella out of his colon and gave himself a hearty spread of the soft, brown delicacy, and then had himself a nice breakfast. He sat down on his bed, which was currently being occupied by a tied-up Diana Allers, who was only beginning to understand what "report to the ship as soon as possible" actually meant. She was butt-ass nude, of course, and not exactly happy with her current situation.

"Commander, wha… what am I doing here?" Diana Allers came to and shook her head, trying her restraints. "What did you do to me?"

"Yes."

"Yes what? Why am I naked and tied to this bed? I thought I was in my quarters in the cargo hold-"

"I don't really think he gets us, man."

"You… you're insa-" Before Miss Allers could finish, Shepard dramatically raised both nutella'd slices of toast in the air, cried "DAIICHI NO BAKUDAN", and brought them down in a graceful motion, slapping them on both sides of his victim's face. They stuck there, coating her face in the brown, messy colloid that she could only hope was actually made from chocolate and hazelnut. "Gotcha!" Shepard exclaimed, quickly hopping into his Alliance onesie and running out the door to the elevator.

Even Commander Shepard knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

I know what you're thinking, reader: "this story is weird, but that last Shepard sexual harassment occasion went too far!" Relax, compadre! Shepard would never violate a woman in any way you would expect. You see, our hero Shepard doesn't need coitus to experience pleasure. He doesn't even require anything remotely sexual. In fact, Miss Allers was stripped naked simply because Shepard didn't want to get nutella on her clothes. Miss Allers was violated in many different ways (if you can call a party with the Lollipop Guild a violation of ethics), but none of them will scar her for life - unless, of course, she has a deadly allergy to chocolate and/or hazelnut. Let us get on with the story, shall we?

Upon arriving in the CIC (which Sharpied believes stands for "Cucks In Charge" but actually stands for "Combat Information Center"), Shepard screamed "GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!" only to find no one in the room. This may have been because he wasn't in the CIC, but the women's bathroom on the floor below.

"Shepard," said EDI over the intercom, "the men's restroom is on the port side of the ship."

"OH NO!" Shepard exclaimed, suddenly adopting a heavy Japanese accent. He bowed very low, and then scrambled back onto the elevator. He contemplated his strange outburst for a second before he got distracted thinking about how great waffles would go with antiperspirant for his next chess-date with Samantha Traynor, whom he hadn't yet realized was a lesbian. He had already thought of some great double entendres to drop during their chess match, like "I'll be your white knight" and "hey, can I stick that bishop in your ass". You know, nerd shit.

Upon actually arriving at the CIC, Shepard was too lost in thought to know what was happening around him, so when Mr. Pressly approached him with new intel on their days-long approach to the Citadel, he didn't respond, but kept muttering things to himself like "those panties aren't dirty enough" and "I need more junk in the box where junk goes", which was the indication to Prestly that he was to walk away slowly, lest he get a dick to the forehead. Presly and the other noobs on the bridge understood this important protocol and complied, raising their voices slightly as they grew further and further away from our hero to convince his ears that they were not moving away. The accuracy of their logarithmic crescendo caused Shebird to smile, which was the indication to the crew to begin applauding.

You may now be wondering, reader, why these strange protocols exist on the Normandy SR2. That is good. Keep wondering.

Our Glorious Hero Shepard checked his super-important Galactic Readiness meter, not because he cared about what it told him, but because some of his war assets were flashing "NEW" and he wanted them to go away. What may perhaps be the strangest quirk about our hero Commander Shepard is that he has some mild OCD when it comes to such matters.

Gazing longingly at his [unfortunately very] interactive galaxy map, Commander Cheddar zoomed in so he could see all his new friends: Luke, his new boy-toy; Liara, his old girl-toy; Tali, some robot chick with a mask; Picard, a boring old dude; Legion, his robot butler; and-

Wait, where's Chewie? Chewie was perhaps his best draft pick of the season: an all-star running back out of Kashyyyk State who had already familiarized himself with domestic abuse. If Shepard was going to win the big game, he needed his big hairy animal man. So what has become of that troublesome compatriot of his?

* * *

"Hello, what have we here?"

Han Solo's mouth was agape. Leia, who he was currently fingerbanging, also had her mouth wide open, although that could have been because of the fingerbanging, but Han didn't know for certain. Standing in front of him, however, where he expected his friend Chewie to be, was not his friend Chewie, but a well-dressed black man with a creepy mustache. He was currently staring down his pants at what Han could only assume was a much smaller penis than his old friend Chewie's. Han looked at his new friend's expression and smiled. Chewus had always wanted a smaller penis.

"What are you doing here?" the new character seemed to be less incredulous and more pleasantly surprised.

"Uh… this is my… uh… ship, I guess," said Han nervously.

"What have you done to my ship?" asked Chewbacca's new form, suddenly serious.

"I… uh… this is my ship-"

"This deal's gettin' worse all the time…"

Han removed his soggy fingers from Leia's coochie (trench finger is a serious malady). She yelped "EEK", froze, and skittered out of the room, but not before their new mustachioed friend gave her a hearty slap on the backside. Everyone had a chuckle about that one. Despite the circumstances, these men could always enjoy a good round of patronizing and sexist hullabaloo.

Having now seemingly broken the ice, the two new best friends went back to the main hold to play some space chess and smoke some dope, kindly replicated by their new friend Mister Picard. Chewie had always been a fucking narc and wouldn't let Han do hard drugs on the Falcon, but this new guy was something different. After 4 lines of coke, 12 shots of patrón, and a lot of burned and bent spoons, Han was playing like a chess GOD. Sure his hands were a bit shaky and his pupils a bit dilated, but they weren't playing fucking Jenga here.

Anyway, after assfucking Han at space chess, New Chewie hooked up to the SpaceNet on his rickety-ass computer. He looked on Space Omegle for some space dicks and space pussies, but all he saw was some disheveled naked homeless dude in a dirty spaceship shooting up heroin. Then, he realized he wasn't even on the SpaceNet; he was plugged into the Falcon's LAN and was just looking at a webcam stream of Han sitting next to him. Our new friend chuckled like a chinchilla trying to attract a mate. What a hoot.

New Chewie started to pour some more patrón, but his hands were so shaky that he got it everywhere. Hand howled with laughter. "You pour worser than Han do," he said quite strangely, as though he were on a lot of pretty awful illegal drugs (hint: he was). He started lighting up, and while he was preparing his crystal methamphetamine, he thought very deeply about what he had just said: _Han do. Han doo. Han doe… man doe… LAN doe… deer… venison… jerky…_ _jerking off… penis… suck… wait_ , he thought. He was getting sidetracked. _LAN doe… Lando… LANDO!_ "You be Lando!" He proudly and drunkenly exclaimed.

Lando smiled. "I like the sound of that." Then they both promptly had seizures and passed out, presumably comatose from all the meth, cocaine, heroin, and hard liquor they had ingested in just about 5 minutes. Business as usual.

* * *

 **REFERENCES**

Para. 9 \- This is a reference to an improvised line from an episode of _It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia_. When two characters, Dennis and Mac, are trying to tell Charlie that he can't keep being the "wild card", he very oddly delivers retorts that make it seem like he's not listening at all, or that he doesn't even know who is talking to him. Look it up. /F5xrkNeO2QI (add youtu. be at the beginning, minus the space. Man, this website blows.)

Para. 4, 10, 15, and the title \- References to _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure_ , part 4. The title is a play on the directly translated Japanese title of the part, which comes out to "Diamond Is Not Crash" - a better translation being "Diamond Is Unbreakable". Look it up my dude.


	5. Chapter 5 - Git 'im, Dad!

Preface:

My viewer retention doesn't continue well past this chapter. Read at your own risk.

* * *

 **CHAPTER 5**

 **Get 'im, Dad!**

Boba Fett finally and triumphantly exited his ship's bathroom. After the shit of a lifetime, he was hungry. I mean, he had skipped like 3 days of meals because he had to shit so bad. Poor little Bobby was just skin 'n' bones at this point! Shit.

After a flush that seemed to last an eternity, and washing his hands for at least 2 minutes (what, you don't? Fucking swine), he had himself some fried chick'n and cornbread, just like momma used to make. Unfortunately for Mr. Fett, his mother never existed, because he's a fucking clone or some shit (his dad never really clarified that one), so the closest thing he's had to a mom is a giraffe-ass alien chick with a hat that looked like a shitty chastity belt for her head, and those weirdos didn't know cornbread from a fighter jet, so he was forced to look on a box of pancakes for maternal guidance. His new mother figure, Jemima, seemed nice enough, so he decided on it. Unfortunately, that meant making a lot of Jemima's home cookin', which included pancakes, pancakes, and other pancake-related condiments. After eating a shitload of pancakes to get ready for the battle, he promptly shit a load right back out. For three days.

If a colossal defecation situation was Boba's biggest issue, the battle had to be his second biggest. One day he was flying his Slave II around (Slave I was emancipated after the Galactic Civil War), and all of a sudden some big space bug appeared out of nowhere and started sending subliminal messages to his brain. He woke up the next day with a rib cage fracture and a pruny penis. However, he was also in another galaxy, surrounded by other people he had never met, in orbit around a planet he had never seen before. So, being a baddie, he just rolled with it.

First of all, even though they were supposed to be laying waste to this planet, Mr. Fettus decided he would get some sidequests done first. The one he was working on right now was for Darth Vader, who he had actually coincidentally met before, but who also denies to have ever met our lonely little Boba Fett. Anyway, Dr. Vader wanted someone to bring him Han Solo, who Boba had also coincidentally met before, but he had a hard time remembering the occasion probably due to binge-drinking and a close call with drug overdose. So, our intrepid Mr. Fett had cleverly docked his Salve 2 on the bottom of the Millennial Vulcan without his prey noticing. Classic Bobes.

So after wiping the grease off his chin and putting his leftover cornbread in a baggie for later, our villain Boba Fett donned his dented and shitstained armor and entered the airlock. Yeah, his armor sucked, but it was his daddy's armor, so it had sentimental value. His dad, Django Fett, had fought for the rights of Mandalorians for years until he was brutally assassinated by a racist Jedi at one of his rallies. So after his death, instead of taking up his father's cause, Boba decided he would become a Jedi hunter, which turned out to be a lot more lucrative because Jedi genitals are worth an assload on the black market. His hands were permanently stained from all the midi-chlorians and his contemporaries would call him "Boba the Ball-Snipper" and "Fett the Fallopian De-Tuber" and such titles, but they couldn't deny that he was the damn best.

Once he walked out the airlock, he took a nice stroll around the ship until he got to the Falcon's airlock, entered the passcode (it was 1234) and entered. It smelled awful and there was smoke everywhere, but the Millennium Falcon looked otherwise pretty tidy. He checked the rooms, but they were all empty. One room was locked and he heard sobbing coming from the other side of the door, so he just left that one alone. As he made his way to the main hold, the smoke got thicker and he started to hear what sounded like Judas Priest's "Breaking the Law" through his helmet's audio receivers. When he got there, he found two guys on the floor with rubber bands still tied around their biceps, completely passed out. This seemed pretty familiar to Bobes Fett, so he figured one of these guys was Hand So Low. He didn't recognize the other dude, so Bobe just left him there.

Fetty Bobe picked up the unconscious Mr. Solo and started to drag him towards the airlock when, out of the blue, it hit him.

The shit attack.

Fettus quickly dropped the weird space junkie and booked it towards the empty bathroom he had found earlier. He dropped trou just in time to lay what was perhaps the most massive duke he had ever duked in his life. The dung shot out of his body like napalm out of the gun of a grizzled and remorseless Vietnam veteran. His helmet steamed up so bad he took it off, and when he did, the worst smell imaginable assaulted his virgin nostrils. The last shit he had, he had the good fortune to have his noseplug on, but he wasn't prepared for this. No, sir, he was not.

The brown anaconda seemed to exit his body like the soul of a man who was slain in the most honorable of duels. There was no end to it. He was the shit, and the shit was with him. His asshole became the world. The more he pooped, the more he shat, and the more he shat, the more he… shat.

Suddenly, he heard a "ping" come from his helmet between his legs. He put it on for a second and saw that his proximity alarm was lighting up. Those two motherfuckers were waking up! It must have been the virulent, toxic shit smell that had cut through the smoke and began caressing their nose pussies. Amidst the grunting and the shitting, Boba Fett had the willpower to close the door to the bathroom and lock it. He prayed to the Mandalorian Gods that the door to the bathroom was soundproof.

(It wasn't!)

The Fettmeister heard voices from outside saying stuff. He couldn't exactly make out what they were saying over the massive fecal explosion emanating from his rectum. _Wait_ , he thought. _If I can hear them, they can most definitely hear me!_ Anxiety began to overtake our dear little Robert Fett. He heard footsteps and a voice yelling outside the door to the bathroom. Just as Boba went to grab his lazer gun, a fucking 10-pound shit baby birthed itself from his tuckus. He couldn't move, and just screamed like a teen mother giving birth, "GIT 'IM, DAD!" Finally the shitstorm of assteroids subsided and a normal flow resumed. He perked up his ears to see if anyone else was around. He didn't hear anyone. _Maybe they didn't hear me_ , he thought. _Maybe they passed it off as someone else in the bathroom!_

Just then, Boba Fett began to realize that he was breathing rather heavily, and also that his eyesight was getting a bit blurry. _Oh shit_ , he thought frantically. _There must not be good ventilation in this bathroom! I bet all the air in the room is being replaced with shit fumes!_ Unfortunately for our flustered, toilet-ridden villain, he was exactly right. He was beginning to suffocate. Maybe if he opened the door to the bathroom a crack, no one would notice, and he could get a breath of fresh air. He went to open the door… and the latch wouldn't open. _That's right_ , he thought. _I locked it._ He undid the locking mechanism only to find that the latch still wouldn't open. _What the fuck?_ He jiggled it as hard as he could, to no avail. It must have been locked from the outside as well! When those guys were outside the door, they probably locked him in for some reason. _Who the fuck has a door that locks two ways? And who the fuck does that?_ thought our suffocating villain, Bobalicious S. Fettius.

Apparently, Han Solo does that.

So, inhaling liters of nitrogen-rich fecal fumes and losing consciousness rapidly, Boba Fett frantically put his helmet on, because his helmet would filter his air to make sure he didn't die while he was unconscious. He got it on just in the nick of time before he passed out.

So that, dear reader, is the story of what Boba Fett was doing during the battle. Locked, unconscious, in the Millennium Falcon's bathroom with feces seeping out of his anus. Some say a fitting end for such an…

...asshole.

* * *

 _[JUDAS PRIEST]:_

 _"You don't know what it's like!"_

* * *

Han and Lando, on the other hand, were feeling great. They had an awesome drug bender, passed out seemingly for good, woke up for some reason feeling refreshed, and then locked some busta in the bathroom! Han had a feeling it was that Fetty guy, because he had been docked on the underside of the Falcon for a while. But when Han woke up, he realized that he got heavily sidetracked. He was supposed to fix the Swagtor Beams so they could get on the Death Star!

"Lando! Can fix swagtor beams?" Han was still inebriated as all hell. Lando nodded and ran to the cockpit. The hull shuddered, as if the Swagtor beams had activated. Han grinned and dashed in there, arms spread wide for his trademark "big ol' hug". Then he heard a scream.

"They told me they fixed it! It's not my fault!" Lando was going nuts in there, smashing stuff and violently humping the bulkheads (that are jam packed with pointy shit, too). Han, arms still spread wide, looked out the window and realized why he was so mad. It weren't their Swagtor beams that were pullin.

It were the Death Star's, son.

* * *

 ** _Next time on Untitled Fan Fiction:_**

 _We find out why the bad guys have such problems shitting!_

 _Maybe Luke finally confronts Vader or something, I don't know!_

 _Shepard-senpai gradually becomes an anime character!_

 _Will the Borg make an appearance? Probably not, because they're boring as shit!_

 _Will Darth Vader figure out the cause of his trashed room?_

 _Find out next time on… **MASS EFFECT 3: X-TENDED CUT!**_

* * *

 **REFERENCES**

Para. 10 \- References to oft-quoted lines from George R.R. Martin's _A Dance With Dragons_.

\- "Her cunt became the world."

\- "The more she drank, the more she shat, but the more she shat, the thirstier she grew..."

Para. 13 \- A reference to some of my favorite moments in a great Star Wars film, _Attack of the Clones_ , in which a young Kiwi Boba Fett encourages his father to shoot down Obi-Wan's spaceship. Wait, did I just explain another Star Wars reference in a Star Wars crossover? Shit!


	6. Chapter 6 - A Splash of Fun

Preface:

Don't get offended. Get horny bb.

* * *

 **CHAPTER 6**

 **A Splash of Fun**

From the very beginning, Harbinger had always had a crush on Commander Shepard. I mean, what's not to like about that dashing hero? What with his slicked platinum blonde hair, piercing blue eyes (just a tiny bit too far apart), jutting cheekbones, and handsome black fu manchu mustache, he was all any man looked for in another man. But Harbinger wasn't a man, oh no. He was much more than that. He was the ALPHA GAY. Of course, he couldn't let his compatriots know that. Everyone knows that the Reapers are reactionary religious conservatives to the point of downright extremism. When the Milky Way got too tainted by the gay/liberal/babykiller/sodomite agenda, the only solution to these cyborgs was to do away with everyone who lived there, regardless of their place on the "gender spectrum".

Let's clear up a common misconception about the Reapers and their impetus for coming to the Milky Way and gunning for humans first - it was never because Shepard killed Sovereign. It was because of Shepard's lavishness and downright sinful behavior. He had always been an unpenitent sinner, but when he lustfully fornicated with a blue monogendered alien, those darn Reapers had enough. The Dark Space News had a heyday, going nuts and bashing Milky Wayers to no end. After several angry callers on AM talk radio, the Reaper hierarchy (which, by the way, is not led by Harbinger, but a board of directors) went off air and decided to do something about this once and for all. Sodomy and outright, ungodly sin would not stand in the Reapers' Galaxy, that was for gat-dang sure. So how did Harbinger feel about all this? Well, not great.

Since homosexuality was frowned upon in Reaper society, Harbinger had always kept his cards close to his chest. Let's put it straight (or rather, gay) - Sovereign and Harbinger were lovers. They loved with the passion and intensity of a thousand gay suns going supernova, and the byproduct of their intense lovemaking had wiped out a quarter of the Prothean Empire last cycle. They had promised to always keep their relationship a secret from then on, but 50,000 odd years later they had a bit of a falling out. See, Sovereign had developed a fetish for turians, and one turian in particular had caught his eye. So, he secretly indoctrinated Saren, his new boy toy, which of course caused Saren to have to take massive shits roughly every 2 hours, hampering his efforts at taking over the galaxy. Harbinger found out about his despicable sexual galavanting and kicked him out of his quadrant of dark space, forcing him to actually be present for Saren and a bunch of little shits' attempt to take over the Milky Way. This ended up getting Sovereign killed, and after Harbinger heard, he couldn't forgive himself. He couldn't forgive Shepard either. That was, until he really met our handsome hero.

See, every Reaper indoctrinates at least one person during their "hibernation" in dark space. No one actually knows about it, but there are millions of people in the Milky Way who are indoctrinated by the Reapers from thousands of lightyears away. Reapers find comfort in forcing themselves inside and dominating other, lesser species. It's not sexual, it's just a trust and intimacy thing, okay?

Anyway, while Harbinger was observing the world through the eyes of humans, he settled on one particular human for a few days. His name was Kaidan Alenko. Kaidan swung both ways, just the way Harbinger liked it. Through Kaidan's eyes, Harbinger could feel his crush on Shepard deepening. It was intriguing, but Harbinger always thought he was kind of a weird, aloof piece of shit who reminded him of a sociopathic, misogynistic, irritably racist asshole. However, he had always known that Shepard was gay as a fire truck. This didn't stop Shepard, though, from letting Kaidan die on Virmire. All that flirting seemingly for nothing, right? Well, it turned out Shepard's kink for blue alien ass was stronger than his actual sexual orientation. Anyway, let's get to the point.

Harbinger finally got the promotion he wanted, partly because of his hard work, but also because his coworkers were assuaged by his lack of homosexuality since Sovereign's untimely demise. Soon, however, Harbinger used this promotion to get revenge on Shepard. He killed Shepard easy enough, but when he came back to life Harbinger felt his cold robot heart flutter like a flautist with excellent technique. He started controlling Collectors to torture Shepard, but he soon got hooked by that charismatic leader's charm of his, and more sooner than he thought, Harbinger was fully and steamily infatuated with our hero. The shooting of hot loads and gaping black holes at Shepard became more of an erotic S&M thing after a while, and after Shepard killed all the Collectors, Harbinger was as hard and wet as the mop of a janitor who works at a 3-star hotel with an indoor pool that frequently accommodates families with overweight children. So what did Harbinger, regional manager of the Reapers, do? He took all his subordinates and gunned it for Earth, that's what.

Here's the thing: if you've played the games, you're probably thinking, "hey, wait, the Reapers came to the Milky Way to kill everyone like they did with the Protheans, duh!" Well, you're fucking wrong, my friend. The Protheans were really advanced and shit, right? And their Empire spanned the entire galaxy? Those motherfuckers could read minds and do crazy shit, and store everyone in cryogenic freezing for as long as possible. There is no possible way that the Reapers thought that humans, turians, asari, and salarians were advanced enough to be as strong as the Protheans were. It's not like the Protheans didn't write all that shit down, either. It's like if you were a scientist and you worked your entire life to make an insane scientific breakthrough, almost finished it, and handed what you had to your son on your deathbed, saying "carry on my legacy", and he said "thanks" and proceeded to use it as toilet paper.

So yeah, the Reapers were probably going to kill everyone in the galaxy eventually, but they came like 10,000 years ahead of schedule for one reason - Commander Shepard's sweet, sweet cornhole. The Reapers could have steamrolled everyone in probably like 3 hours or so because of how much they sucked, but they didn't because Harbinger told them not to. He knew Shepard would play hard to get, so he grabbed Earth dramatically, like "oh no daddy, we took your planet and made you mad, get all your allies and come back and punish me, I've been so naughty", and yadda yadda yadda. Shepard has no clue, but indoctrination is pretty strong, and we haven't finished his story yet.

Shall we return to our stoic, courageous, and splendorous man as he gaily sets about on completing his mission and restoring freedom to all mankind? By all means, reader: let's.

As the Normandy SR2 slowly but surely approached the slowly enveloping battle, Commander Shepard indulged in one of three honorable practices: sleeping, fucking, or getting crunk. Tonight, the Crunk Chalice was in hand, and Lil' Jon Shepard was getting, as his great grandpa used to say, "LIT AF".

As Tali enjoyed a nice margarita through her emergency induction port, our gucci fam hero Shepard was enjoying one of his signature drinks, of which there had been unfortunately many ever since he became a galactic hero and pop culture icon. There was the Shepard Surprise, the Wet Mako, the Bruised Reporter, and many others, but tonight our hero was enjoying his newest drink: the Commander Shepard Splash. Everyone had been asking what the mix was, but Shepard was as tight-lipped as a turian tramp on a Tuesday, which is to say, very loose-lipped. That's why no one else was drinking it, you see. It was fucking gross.

Shepard grabbed a space glass and filled it with his favorite krogan ryncol liquor. It's green, and apparently lethal to humans, but Shepard doesn't seem to mind because #YOLT. Then he poured a glass of Tupari sports drink, which he had sadly become addicted to on the Citadel during his Collector Quest. It was also supposed to kill humans, being about 30% liquid bleach and 70% pure caffeine with some fruit flavoring, but that didn't stop our unkillable hero. In fact, it seemed to only make him stronger, except for the rare occasions that it caused he and his sexual partners to pass out during watersports.

Anyway, after pouring a glass of each abhorrent solution, he grabbed one with each hand and promptly dumped them on his eyes. His eyeballs burned with a hot fury, but Shepard didn't dare blink away the bloody tears. His new thing was letting the alcohol soak into his body from the eyeballs, which was a poor way to ingest any substance, but Shepard was a pretty unique guy who liked doing things his own way. Unfortunately, that "own way" usually ended up with a quick trip to the medbay, and this occasion was no exception.

* * *

Dr. Karin Chakwas was not happy to see Shepard so soon after his last visit, but she begrudgingly sprayed his eyes with MediGel anyway. When Shepard had asked her to come on the Normandy while she was working at the hospital on the Citadel, she wanted to say "no" really badly, because it had been a great time not being under his command for those like two weeks or so, but alas; she was drawn in by that notorious charm of his once again.

Shepard used to come through the medbay only to talk to Liara, who had an office in the adjoining room, and on the old Normandy Dr. Chakwas would have to watch and occasionally listen as Shepard stood in the doorway to Liara's office, breathing loudly. On another occasion, she unfortunately witnessed a performance of violently jerky fellatio on that same threshold (don't ask her which one was being fellated). Boy, was she glad that those doors weren't around anymore. The new Normandy had better soundproofing (private sector budgets, what what).

As Shepard moaned and groaned, Dr. Chakwas decided this would be a good a time as any to get some answers out of this dickwad. "So, Shepard," she intimated, "have you been able to find any of that Serrice ice brandy yet-"

" _Toki wa ugokidasu_."

Before Dr. Chakwas could continue, she was suddenly aware of what looked like two huge loogies headed straight for her. She didn't have time to dodge or even close her eyes, so she could only watch as the saliva globules rocketed towards her eyeballs. When they hit, they stung with a passion, as the Commander Shepard Splash had most definitely rendered Shepard's spit dangerously toxic. Dr. Chakwas screamed and lashed out with her arms, but Shepard was already halfway out the door with foamy gel still in his eyes. He scribbled on a datapad with a crayon and nonchalantly tossed it into the medbay with a smirk.

"Here's your receipt."

* * *

 **REFERENCES**

Para. 10 \- "Crunk" is a term used to describe a musical style popularized in the late 90s/early 2000s by American musical artist and personality Lil Jon. In this context, it is denoting the process of becoming inebriated from the use of drugs or alcohol. Lil Jon had a "Crunk Chalice" or "Crunk Cup" - a bejeweled goblet that was used as a way to market and popularize his brand and also reference an accessory more often used by pimps. YEYAH

Last three paragraphs \- this is yet another reference, albeit adapted, to _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure_. Popularly, a character has an ability to stop time for a few seconds and do whatever he wants. " _Toki wa ugokidasu_ " can be translated as "time has resumed" or "time has started again" and is often uttered at the end of the character's stopped time monologue to indicate when time has resumed its flow. In part 4, one of the main characters has this ability and defeats an enemy with a series of punches while time is stopped, then badassly says " _toki wa ugokidasu_ " before the enemy flies through the air, totally rekt.

\- The second of these references is the crayon and datapad and "here's your receipt" line. This is a line said by the main protagonist of part 3 after totally beating the asshole out of an enemy. He writes his name in a notebook, rips out the page, says "here's your receipt" (in Japanese), and lets it drift on the wind before walking away with his hands in his pockets. There's more context to it, but it would take too long to explain. I like JoJo too much.


	7. Chapter 7 - Blue is a Social Construct

Preface:

If you don't like weird shit, then this next chapter might not be for you.

Enjoy!

* * *

 **CHAPTER 7**

 **Blue is a Social Construct**

Our magnanimous hero, Commander Shepard, casually strolled away with his hands in his pockets. He could hear Dr. Chakwas screaming and pounding on the door behind him, but he had already locked the door to the medbay and stolen all the Omni-Gel. Unless she threw a weapon or two in the Omni-Gel machine, she'd be trapped in there for a while. _Just long enough_ , Shepard thought, _for me to get REALLY fucking krunk!_

Now, reader, there are a lot of hard drugs in the world, past, present, and future. They ruin lives and destroy families, and the use and transportation of these horrid substances is highly illicit. Unfortunately, there is one specific drug that is not only legal, but more common and accessible than any other drug in the galaxy: Omni-Gel. And Shepard has been on this stuff for as long as he can remember (which, thanks to Omni-Gel, is not that long).

Shepard excitedly retreated to his Captain's Cabin®, pulled his pants down and was about to inject Omni-Gel straight into his ass, when Liara suddenly appeared. _Shit,_ thought our addictable hero. _I told her I was done!_

See, dear reader, there's no one Shepard fears more than his blue waifu. She's not really even dominating or anything, Shepard's just super submissive whenever she's around. The only reason he got anything done during the Collector Quest is because she wasn't in the party, giving him constant boners and causing him to salivate every time she said "Commander" (which is also their safe word). This time around, she had come back into his life and was determined to change him. Liara had seen all the Omni-Gel he consumed back when they first met, and it disturbed her greatly. How could one man shoot that many weapons, armor and upgrades into his own ass and live to tell the tale?

* * *

Dr. Liara T'Soni sighed. This wasn't the first time, and it definitely wouldn't be the last.

When Liara returned to the party on Mars, she found her old boyfriend Shepard in an elevator shooting up 'Gel with his buff Alliance buddies, James and Ashley (also junkies, thanks military rations). His face was gaunt, although no more gaunt than usual, and he had a strange scrotal twitch (although that was probably the same as before too). He kind of looked like a bunch of varren had vigorously humped him in the stomach until he tumbled down a hill of spiky space rocks- again, nothing out of the ordinary. Actually, Omni-Gel made him a lot stronger, smarter, and a more powerful biotic to the degree where at one point on Thessia, Liara saw him strip off his weapons and armor in the middle of a fight and charge nude into a group of husks screaming "I'VE LOST SHIELDS" at the top of his lungs. The only thing actually lost that day was Liara's breakfast as she promptly chundered it all over some priceless Prothean artifacts. Well, once you get your doctorate, they can't take it away, right?

Anyway, Liara's pretty much considered a kid by asari standards, and her school's drug prevention program was still fresh in her mind. If Shepard didn't go cold turkey on the 'Gel, she told him, then she would most definitely not be his girlfriend. This happened to be one deal our hero couldn't refuse.

Liara had caught Shepard at a very inopportune time. She took one look at him and crossed her arms. Shepard, ass bare, arm extended with space syringe in hand, couldn't spin this any other way if he tried. She finally had him. Now she could finally convince him to go to rehab! As the space syringe was poised about an inch from Shepard's buttocks, it dripped three times onto the ground, making the disgustingly mistreated floor shine like never before. As soon as the glint of light met her eyes, however, Shepard was gone. Liara froze, and looked around. Besides the awful smell and weird eastern European dance music in the background, every trace of him was gone. _I had him_ , she thought. _He was just here! Dammit, now he'll just deny that he was ever in his quarters_. This kind of behavior is unusual to say the least, but Liara had been around Shepard long enough, and it was pretty much expected at this point. He was a wily one.

As Liara T'Soni exasperatedly turned to walk away, she noticed that where there had been only three spots of Omni-Gel on the floor before, there were now six. She shook her head and smirked. _He has matured_.

Just then, she heard EDI over the intercom. "Dr. T'Soni, you'd probably want to know that there's been an unauthorized shuttle launch." Since Shepard was so infatuated with her, and poor XO Pressly seemed to really draw his ire, the Commander had made Liara his first officer. _A poor decision_ , she thought. _I don't know how to command a starship - but then again, neither does Shepard_.

"How many life signs are on that shuttle?" Shepard never goes anywhere alone; he craves human attention.

"I count one life sign, and another really faint one. I'd wager it's Shepard and Master Chief."

Liara looked around. Sure enough, the Chief was gone. _Last week, it was Legion. When will he stop doing this?_ This wasn't really that big of a problem, though. "What's their current vector?"

"Virtually nonexistent, Doctor. They're drifting out of the shuttle bay at about 2.3 meters per second." That was also to be expected; Shepard didn't know shit about piloting anything. The missions with the Mako had been especially traumatic for everyone, but Shepard was so numb from all the Omni-Gel that he couldn't feel G-forces anymore. She'd heard that incessant giggling in her nightmares for weeks…

Liara shook her head and sighed. "Fish him back in and resume standard protocols. I'll be in my office."

As Liara entered her office, her AI hologram friendo Glyph greeted her as usual. "Good afternoon, Dr. T'Soni. You have 112 unread messages." That was pretty common. Being the Shadow Broker, anyone anywhere could take a shit in a soundproof, lead-coated room and she would get an email about it. Liara quickly went into Microsoft Excel mode and scrolled through all her emails. They were all usual business shit - dirt on hanar politicians, Ambassador Udina's browser history, proof that 9/11 was an inside job (we're talking about 9/11/2121, when someone started a war with the turians by raiding the royal pantry - turns out it wasn't salarians, it was just some fat turian who lied about it later). You know, the usual.

She was just about to lock her door and switch tabs, but she heard a "ping", and sure enough, there was one more new email. As she read the subject, even her vagina had to sigh.

She sipped her coffee and reluctantly clicked on the message.

* * *

 **From:** cUmAnd3r_c0oLgUy_2154

 **Subject:** luk behind u

;))

 _~~som heros dont wear caps, they were cool armer~~_

\- Commandar John Shepard, n7 alliance solder & counsel Spektar

* * *

Liara didn't have to turn around. She could hear him breathing from a mile away. Being a powerful biotic and the daughter of a Matriarch, she could sense exactly where he was and most of his vitals. Judging by his heartrate and the rate of his mouthbreaths, he was probably nude and randy as all hell. _Goddess, I'm so tired of him. I really should be punishing him right now._ Unfortunately, even as an independent and intelligent asari, Liara found she had one glaring character flaw: she really liked Shepard's dick.

Back on Thessia, kids had made fun of her mercilessly for being a pureblood asari, which is really stupid because being pureblood makes you essentially better than most other asari, but she had gotten over that. The thing that they teased her even more for, however, was her propensity for penis. Asari aren't supposed to be selective about their sexual partners, being the whores of the galaxy and all, but that's not because they're naturally whory, it's entirely a social construct - a social construct that Liara wanted to innovatively disrupt.

Let's clear up a misconception about the asari: they are whores because they act like whores, because they are whores, because they want to be whores. There's a stereotype of asari as whores because, well, they're whores. It's not even a stereotype, it's their culture. Whores. Anyway.

All 50 of Liara's college years were fraught with teasing and bullying by her asshole peers, mostly because they were all half-salarian couldn't help it. Even the wise and tenured Dr. Sha'ira in her reproductive studies class made fun of her for not being enough of a whore (turned out later she was probably the biggest whore of all). It's just that, in the 108 years that our heroine Liara's been alive, she's only really been turned on by dick. And I'm not talking about turian red rockets here, I mean some rubbery human kielbasa. When Liara was around 47, she saw a human dingle in a high school textbook, and man did it get that blue gorge whistlin'. She joined some fetish communities on the Extranet (that turned out to not be fetish communities, just homosexual human male communities) and pretended to be a human so no one would judge her. But to an asari young adult like Liara, it was really kinky shit, you see.

Unfortunately, after over 50 years of studying long and hard, and enduring biotics training that made her rigid and veiny, she never shook this particular fetish - and after discovering Shepard and his thing for blue aliens, well… it wasn't a match made in heaven, but it was... actually pretty fucking far from a match made in heaven.

So anyway, Liara could feel Shepard breathing from about 4 feet behind her. Normally this would be creepy, but she'd gone without dongle for so long that she could barely remember what it was like. Sure, she tickled Shepard's peeny last week, but she wasn't feeling that moment. She didn't even know why she was proposing to him. What they had was never emotional (unless you consider Shepard's intense Pavlovian sexual longing for blue aliens an emotion), it was always just physical. Physical and goddess-damned fantastic. _Shit. Well, you know what? I deserve this._

By the time Liara turned her chair around, Shepard was already face-down, ass-up on her bed. She didn't even have time to think about how he got there so fast; she saw that huge 3 ½ inch floppy dangling and she was off to the races. Her clothes that she wore all the time were getting really itchy and uncomfortable, so she blasted them off with a biotic field. She didn't even have to look down to notice that her nipples were as big and hard as two identical club bouncers from Omega (who are also blue and bumpy). It was from them that her mass effect fields were being generated; they were the source of all her power.

As she approached, shrouded in a magical element zero aura, Shepard was visibly shaking. Liara could only guess that he was both scared and aroused, and she had reason to make that assumption because that's how he was around her all the time. _I can solve that._ She grabbed him with a powerful biotic field and lifted him into the air, spread-eagled. Shepard screamed like a schoolgirl, which was more annoying than it was arousing, but Liara didn't care.

She mounted the bed and faced him, lips and biotic nipples quivering. Shepard had squeezed his eyes shut, and his mustache was trembling. _Perfect._ Liara's eyes went black. She raised her right hand into the air.

"Embrace eternity!"

She violently slapped Shepard's dong.

What happened next could only be described as a jizz tsunami. It came out of Shepard like Javik's particle beam, if Javik's particle beam shot a continuous hot load of spum. Liara's senses and reflexes were so heightened that she was able to see it come at her face in slow motion. The cum continued to flow like milk out of the top of the screen in a cereal commercial, but as it approached Liara's face it diffracted around her.

Yes, that's right. Liara was such a good biotic, she had figured out how to manipulate mass effect fields to give semen wave-particle duality.

The jizz frequency was set to 6 GHz and her biotic field was resonating. She balled it up with a quantum field and inspected it. It pulsed more slowly now, around 60 Hz, making it hard to videotape. That was by design.

She had failed to notice that Shepard was screeching like a monkey this whole time. "Shut the fuck up!" She slapped him in the face. This was the feisty portion. "Open your eyes, you pussy! Look at it! Look at what you've done!"

Shepard started crying, but opened his eyes anyway. _That indomitable will._ _That's why he's such a hero._ He looked at the pulsating mass, wide-eyed, and abruptly stopped crying.

"It's beautiful," he choked out. "It's our baby."

That was enough. Liara's horny rage reached its climax. It wasn't alone, as Liara herself followed suit. The quantum field containing Shepard's ejaculate compressed itself so hard that it turned the jizz into a hyper-dense solid sphere about 2 centimeters in diameter. What sperm cells still lived in that emission had most definitely been crushed to death, so she levitated it into her vagina. She levitated herself tits up, naughty bits facing our hero, and then she came so hard that the cumball rocketed out of her coochie at mach speed, hitting Shepard square in the nose. Not even giving it a thought, Liara let out a sigh as her rapturous orgasm subsided. Her eyes returned to their normal deep blue. Her biotic fields collapsed and she fell to the bed, asleep. Her dreams were of phallic Prothean artifacts…

* * *

 **REFERENCES**

Para. 9 \- This is a reference to _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure_ part 5, _Vento Aureo_. A character in this part has the ability to erase time. In this "erased time", he can do whatever he wants, and no one else can move or experience any of it. After the few seconds of time he has, it is completely erased and time seemingly "resumes" for everyone else, but time actually never stopped, and all those moments were completely lost to everybody but the character with the ability. So, when a character is bleeding and 3 drops of blood hit the floor, and all of a sudden there are 6 drops of blood, it's an indication that those drops hit but the time in which those drops hit had been erased. Does that make sense at all? No? That's to be expected. And to all the JoJo fans out there: it just works.

Almost all of what you just witnessed was original writing. I'm not proud of that.

I wasn't able to use the "at" symbol or the domain name for Shepard's email address because this website is absolute trash. Fucking pathetic.

By the way, I won't post anymore to this website until they actually fix it. Until then, I'll wait until the My Little Pony fanfiction site makes a general fanfiction site. Yes, you heard me right, the My Little Pony fanfiction site is miles ahead of this one. Where is your god now?

Also, I'm sorry about this entire chapter.


	8. Chapter 8 - Spooky Spectre Helldream

Preface:

I'm very proud of this.

I shouldn't be, though.

* * *

 **CHAPTER 8**

 **Spooky Spectre Helldream**

Commander Shepard suddenly dropped to the floor. His face was in a permanent state of creepy smile, so he slapped himself a few times in the face and once in the floppy wiener for good measure. He felt only bliss… for at least 5 seconds. Then he felt the pain. Oh, the pain.

His nose was broken, this seemed to be true. It hurt real bad, but Shepard was a real man who could suck it up hard (in more ways than one, tee hee). His dick, however, was feeling better than ever! All 2 inches of it was just kind of poking out of his body like a baby prairie dog (prairie puppy?). Now that he actually thought about it, he couldn't really feel his cock at all. Oh well.

Liara was sleeping so hard that even after several of Shepard's patented Titty Slaps™, she didn't even stir. Shepard's face lit up mischievously. This was as good a time as any for some drug-induced hijinks!

If I was to fully explain to you, reader, how many things Shepard has keistered, it would take several days. Let's just say that his asshole's outward affect is leaps and bounds more hospitable than its master's. It seemingly doesn't discriminate between body parts, household objects, writing utensils, Lego bricks, deceivingly small inflatable playground equipment, and other paraphernalia of which Shepard has since taken a brief liking to. Saying "it's like a clown's pocket" would lack subtlety, so I won't say it. But it is.

Shepard raised a hand to the sky (which, because he's in space, is a poor descriptor) as if to summon Mjolnir. What then flew out of his butthole and magically graced his palm was not the hammer of a God, but the vice of a sad, awkward shell of a man.

It was then, dear reader, that the left asscheek that Liara loved so much was malevolently pierced by a large, glowing space syringe of Omni-Gel.

Shepard closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, nothing had changed. His nose still hurt. His dick still felt like it wasn't there. His veins were still green. _Didn't it work? Did I get a bad batch?_ Shepard's anxiety began to grow.

Then, after about 4 seconds of confusion, he promptly shit his pants and fell face-first to the floor, unconscious.

* * *

When he awoke, he found himself in a familiar place. _Oh shitballs_ , he thought. _Not this again._ Surrounding Shepard was an environment out of a nightmare - spooky ghost trees and spooky ghost leaves in a spooky nightscape made of shadows. He knew this place well. It was kind of like Central Park in New York City, but spookier and not a real place.

Shepard looked down at himself. He was wearing startlingly normal clothes, and he could see a huge bulge between his legs. _What the fuck is that?_ He wasn't even a quarter chubbed. His erect length, last time he checked, was 2.34 inche-

Something flittered across his vision. It took Shepard by surprise, but when he looked up, it happened again. _What was that?_ He heard a voice calling out to him in the distance, familiar, yet unexpectedly spooky:

"Shepard… Commander… ey man, let's dance muchacho… some chimichangas later…"

Our hero shivered. He remembered that voice. No. It couldn't be. He was dead as fuck!

Shepard started running. He was gonna catch this son of a puta if it's the last thing he did on this spooky Earth. As he ran, he saw the fleeting image in front of him of a muscular man wearing a child's hooded sweatshirt and nothing else. He was frolicking through the spooky forest, between spooky trees and past spooky park benches. Shepard chased him as fast as he could, but he felt like he wasn't going anywhere. He looked down and saw that his legs weren't legs at all, but a dolphin's tail. _Wha-a-a-at the fu-u-u-uck?_ thought our mer-hero with a dolphinish accent. Aw, shit. What's he gotten himself into this time?

Shepard hopped through a few hoops held by attractive 30-something women in matching polo shirts before continuing on his journey to grapple his target. As he hopped, he began to see more clear images in the coronae of the few street lamps. He passed a homeless man lying on a bench, furiously jerking it to the funny pages in the newspaper. Shepard empathized. A mysterious woman approached him with a mask of interlocking hexagons spread across her face. "The glass candles are burning. Now is the… hey, who in seven fucking hells are you?" Shepard told her to bugger right off in a British dialect of dolphinspeak before ignoring her and continuing his journey onwards. _I've gotta get that fucker!_ he thought, determined and dolphinlike.

As he continued to hop, a more rapid series of strange and mildly spooky images assaulted Shepard's senses. A man with a dark robe and white skull mask materialized with a shotgun in each hand. He looked around, took one look at Shepard, shrugged, and disappeared. A hot babe with silver hair and a cool sword ran by with a guy in a robe and a metal mask. They both glanced at Shepard. "No, Zireael. This is definitely not the place." The girl sighed and they both kept running. A blonde-haired man in a purple suit stood in front of Shepard with his back turned and said something in Japanese. "I don't speak fried rice, now go back to your own country, dick-ass!" The man wheeled around upon hearing Shepard's racist outburst. " _Nani?_ " His eyes went wide. "B-bakana!" He started screaming as spooky shadow hands from behind Shepard grabbed him and pulled him apart like the pieces of a bitten lollipop. As the man screamed, Shepard hopped on, undeterred.

Shepard was now feeling a bit spooked, but he was a Spectre. _Spectres don't fear spooky things! Spectres are the spooks!_ After unsuccessfully pondering the potential ethnic slur in that statement, Shepard steeled his resolve. _I will not be spooked!_ In that moment, he felt a surge of energy. He looked down to see that his legs had returned to normal, his dick was still big, and he was wearing a He-Man costume. He let out a primal roar. "I HAVE THE POWER!" The whispers started to go away, but he heard a "nyeeh!" off in the distance. Very well.

Our hero, now mobile, broke into a wild sprint. His target, who was frolicking in front of him, turned around, squeaked "oh shit", and promptly got tackled right between the buttcheeks. Shepard was half-chubbed now. He grabbed his elusive prey and flipped him onto his back. _Is this the cause of my nightmares? I didn't even feel bad about him._

Back on Earth, when the Reapers attacked for the porn and to wrest control of the world's myriad megachurches, Shepard had to leave some people behind. Well, just one person, really. And he didn't even have to, he just really wanted to. Really badly. Anyway, that person he left behind died immediately in front of him by getting lazered to tiny bits by a Reaper baby. To add insult to injury, he was here now, on the ground, looking at Shepard with puppy dog eyes, trying to make our hero feel bad about the situation. Shepard didn't give 3 milky bird shits about this guy. I mean, does anyone actually care about fucking James Vega?

James looked up at our hero and did a pouty face. "Why did you leave me behind, Commander?"

"Because you suck, fuck-ass!" Shepard twiddled James' weiner a little bit, just to irritate him. James used to love that. "Stop it daddy, that tickles!" He giggled uncontrollably.

Besides the weird penis stuff, which you've begun to accept by now, you're probably thinking, reader, "wait, didn't you say James was shooting up Omni-Gel with Shepard and Ashley like, last chapter?"

You're not wrong.

Anyway, now thoroughly convinced that James was just half-assedly trying to haunt him from beyond the grave, Shepard slapped him on the rump and kept running. He was going to find the source of this nightmare. What our hero doesn't realize is that the source of his nightmare is his greatest fear, and his greatest fear is probably 3 spooky 5 him. Let's see what happens.

It wasn't long into Shepard's searching that he came upon something that didn't belong. This something was a house, well-lit as if the sun was up, complete with a lawn and a couple pine trees. As Shepard hesitantly approached, he saw two children playing on the grass, probably vivisecting worms or making stag beetles dismember and rape each other for entertainment. At least, that's what Shepard used to do as a kid. Who knows what kids these days do for fun? They probably play expensive card games and throw rocks at aliens with their pants down (again, things Shepard also did as a youth). Shepard never played video games because, in his own words, he's "not a faggot" (please realize the multiple levels of irony).

Despite this somewhat spooky façade, our splendorous hero, Commander John S. Shepard, a naturally curious fellow, proceeded to enter this mysterious house, ignoring the two whelps brutalizing insects in the yard. The door was unlocked (as is tradition in strange drug dreams) and upon entering the kitchen, he found that someone had a stew goin'. The olfactory assault of the delightful stew across Shepard's nostrils took him from half-chubbed to 9/16 chubbed. Nice.

Shepard continued through the mysterious spook house. Something was giving him swan nipples, or something like that, and it was clearly bothering our hero. As he ascended the rickety stairs, he began to perspire from the usual places - the nasal cavity and behind the ears - and it made him sneeze. Shepard couldn't put his mustache on what was bothering him, but something was definitely bothering him.

Our hero started hearing a few queer noises. He discovered the source of one of these noises upon reaching the top of the stairs, which seemed to go on forever and tired him out quite a bit (Shepard's out of shape because he can't use biotics in his dreams). At the top of the stairs was a small table, and upon the table was- no. Shepard's dick went inside him so hard it became a (hopefully temporary) vagina. His pelican pricks rose so high that he looked like a cactus for a second, but his outward appearance doesn't really matter because this is a dream (or is it?). Yes, it is. Shut up, parenthetical sidebar narrator. You overuse parentheses (no I don't, shut up). Yes you do, now let me move the plot forward instead of uselessly expanding on mundane shit (yeah, like you don't do that?)... Touché.

Shepard was drenched from his lobes to his labia in a sticky, acidic perspiration (you didn't forget about the Commander Shepard Splash, did you? Also, this is a dream, who gives a shit). Upon this dreaded little harmless table was none other than a small metal top. It was spinning without stopping. Shepard waited for about 30 spooky dream minutes and let out an enormous sigh of relief when it didn't stop spinning. _That was a close one._ This moment was short-lived for our clumsy hero however, as the force of the air propelled by his sigh knocked the spinning top off of its axis, causing it to teeter and fall over.

It stopped spinning.

Shepard screeched out a fear-fart as he heard a menacing burp from behind him. He turned very slowly to see what looked like a gigantic syringe, filled to the brim and spilling over, of luminescent blue Omni-Gel with muscular arms, legs, a big fat dong, and an angry face drawn on it in red crayon. It brandished its dick wildly like a very short, very fat whip, and spun it so fast it began to pull Shepard and all of the objects in the room towards it. Shepard started freaking out and began to run in the other direction. The stairs he was at the top of suddenly became an endless staircase in a hall of darkness. He could make out a light really far away at what was presumably the top of the staircase. All of a sudden, the staircase behind him began to fill with Omni-Gel, as though it had flowed out of the syringe monster currently pounding on his heels. It flowed upwards so fast that Shepard was now up to his neck in Omni-Gel, and he still didn't get the metaphor!

Just then, Shepard remembered his secret weapon. He screamed "DORUFIN" as menacingly as he could and squeezed his eyes shut. He kept running, but instead of wading through gel, he was swimming. He opened his eyes and saw that his legs had successfully turned into a dolphin's tail again. He swam until he couldn't swim any more, and then kept swimming. The light enveloped him, and he felt a deeply satisfying feeling of safety and comfort. He exhaled and smiled, as his legs turned back into legs, his penis turned back into a penis, and the spooky monster behind him had vanished. He began to weep tears of joy so hard that the tears went down his legs and drenched his pants- no wait, that's not tears. Whatever.

In front of him stood a blue blur that he couldn't make out due to his teary eyes. He wiped his eyes to witness Liara in front of him in a sheer white robe. The world around him was so white it could have been the set of an Apple commercial featuring Justin Long, because Shepard had no other point of reference. Shepard could see Liara's big nips poking through the robe, and it took him to exactly 5/8 chubbed. She beckoned to him. Shepard, an obedient man-slave, obeyed with his tongue out in a doglike pant. Liara made a disgusted face, yet spoke to him anyway:

"It's time to stop. It's time to stop, okay? No more. Where the fuck are your parents? Who are your parents? I'm gonna call Child Protective Services. It's time to stop."

Shepard had no clue what Liara was talking about. He wasn't even listening, either. He was intently curious on one thing, which was the only other thing in the room besides Liara and himself. _That wasn't here when I got here. Where does that go?_ He was thinking, of course, of the shitty looking, forest green-painted wood door directly to the right of Liara. On the door was a nail and a cheap sign hanging from it, which clearly said "PRIVATE". _D'you think a pirate lives in there?_ Our curious hero Commander Shepard fully intended on finding out. Unbeknownst to him, Liara had stripped naked in hopes of currying his favor, but he had ignored her at least 2 spooky dream minutes ago. He walked towards the door while Liara looked incredulously in his direction, before rolling her eyes and sexily sauntering away. Shepard didn't notice. He grabbed the doorknob and turned it with determination in his eyes. The door swung open with a creak.

Before him was… well, I'll just describe it without Shepard's preconceptions. There is a shitty double bed in a kind of cozy-looking, yet messy master bedroom. Upon this bed are two individuals, recognizable as famous actors Leonardo DiCaprio and Marion Cotillard. They are engaging in the act of coitus. They are completely naked. It smells like sweat, blood, and semen. They are making strange noises associated with such an act. But that's not all. Seated in the corner upon a really shitty chair, wearing an old-style dunce cap, is not-instantly-recognizable-yet-famous film director, Christopher Nolan. He is also nude. He is engaging in a sex act with himself (use your imagination as to what the sex act is). Also in the room is Commander She- wait, where's Commander Shepard?

Commander Shepard, dear reader, is now fully and thoroughly spooked. He is so spooked that there is not much left of him to spook. What has spooked him even more is that after witnessing… the thing that he just witnessed… he has gone from 5/8 chubbed to a shocking ¾ chubbed. He is nearly erect at this point. Which, as it happens, makes it hard to run at full speed. Shepard ran out of that room, down the stairs, through the kitchen with the wholesome and pleasing stew goin', out the unlocked door, and through the yard with the (possibly) masochistic children, all with a nearly 5 inch dinkle swinging to and fro. His thighs sported fresh welts from the dick slaps, although the welts were obviously not very large. Still, Shepard has sensitive skin. It stings, alright?

The setting quickly changed back to the normal spooky nightmare forest, but most of the trees were now on fire. _Cool_ , Shepard thought. I have to agree; fire is pretty cool. This lightened Shepard's mood a bit and made him feel a little less spooked. Seeing weird shadow figures, shadow animals, and shadow plants painfully burn to death entertained Shepard. Our relatable hero Commander Shepard enjoys the simple things in life. Who doesn't like barbecues? Communists, that's who. Shepard's a socialist, totally different.

As he ran through the forest, shouting obscenities about other ethnicities (he thought that maybe other races were his greatest fear, turns out he's just an asshole) and apologizing afterwards (Shepard is Canadian, remember?), he began to hear indie music. Shepard stopped, ground his teeth, and jutted his neck forward in a sign of discontent. He hates indie music. Ever since the credits song from the first game was some electronic indie band against his wishes (he wanted to perform an original composition about his sexual exploits for the occasion), Shepard has resented being associated with hipster noises, sights, and smells. Shepard's a big ol' guy who likes big ol' guns and big ol' dicks. _Indie music is for pussies!_ He angrily ran towards the source of the ukulele- and glockenspiel-filled cacophony. When he arrived, he squinted to see and immediately froze in fear.

Standing in front of him, doing a quirky dance to a quirky song, were two of Shepard's spookiest fears. Yes, that's right. I'm talking about none other than Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel.

Tears slowly dripped from Shepard's eyes. _Oh shit, please… please don't… I'll do anything… please…_ Who was Shepard begging to? Well, it doesn't much matter, because his prayers were obviously not answered. Joseph Gordon-Levitt turned and shot Shepard a charming "see, child stars can make it in Hollywood" smile. By the time Zooey Deschanel turned towards Shepard, our cowardly hero was already on his back, trying to drag himself away. He had been captured by their gaze, kind of like getting your soul sucked out by a Dementor from _Lord of the Rings_. Zooey Deschanel looked at him with her big, cute eyes and opened her cute mouth to speak. _No, please… I can't…_

"Cchey there, wanna hear us sing a song? It might be kinda weird, but I guess that's sorta neat." She nonchalantly reached a hand into the air in front of her. From under her gigantic bangs, like from a cave under a waterfall, came a ukelele. This wasn't any normal uke; its body was made of a slimy black stone found under an Old God's grave, oozing shadow. It was embossed with a blood-red trim that seemed to bulge and squirm like healthy arteries. The neck and head were black bone, complete with intricate blood carvings of demonic runes demonstrating how to play the simplest C, F, and G chords. The strings glowed like red-hot tungsten, and when Zooey laid her fingers upon them, they gave off a frequency that made Shepard's ears bleed and the world around him a high-pitched squeal. Her hand caught fire. She touched Joseph Gordon-Levitt on the chest, and he immediately began burning as though he was already doused with lighter fluid. She held out her burning hand. Shepard could see bone. He was lying, paralyzed, in a pool of his own sticky sweat, face covered in thick, dried tears, gulping constantly, on the verge of dehydration. Zooey Deschanel stepped forward and touched one skeletal finger to her lip, cutely quirky and seductive. Her entire body caught fire as her retinas turned acid green and pierced Shepard's tear-filled eyes like red-hot knives. She giggled.

Shepard had a full boner.

* * *

Commander Shepard awoke.

He had jizzed all over his face.

* * *

 **REFERENCES:**

Hooo boy. There's a lot of these.

Title \- Reference to the hit Tony-Award-winning musical, _The Book of Mormon_ , written by Tre Parker and Matt Stone of _South Park_ fame. One number is called "Spooky Mormon Helldream".

Para. 15 \- This is a reference to Quaithe, a character from _A Song Of Ice And Fire_ (and, actually, Season 2 of _Game of Thrones_ ). She visits a main character in her dreams saying "the glass candles are burning" amongst other things, and essentially uses magic to enter peoples' dreams. Like _Inception_!

Para. 16 \- Reaper from _Overwatch_ ,

\- Ciri and Avallac'h from _The Witcher 3_. Avallac'h calls Ciri "Zireael" and they travel between dimensions a lot, and

\- A _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure_ character. Won't mention who because spoilers (even though it was written more than 20 years ago).

Para. 17 \- Skeletor. Nyeeh!

Para. 25 (et al.) \- Reference to the movie _Inception_. Directed by Christopher Nolan. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Marion Cotillard (that french chick from The Dark Knight Rises), Tom Hardy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt... you know, the usual gang. One of the central premises of the film is that a small metal top is spun. If the top doesn't stop spinning, it's a dream. If it stops spinning, you know that where you are is real. Sp0oky, eh?

Para. 33 \- Only 90s kids will get this one. Oh, the pain. I'm sorry. Y'ever seen those "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" Apple commercials from the mid-2000s? Back when Apple actually made worthwhile computers? Justin Long of _Dodgeball_ and _Still Waiting_ fame was the Mac guy.

Para. 34 \- This is a more recent one. In a video entitled "It's Time To Stop", YouTube personality and artist Filthy Frank brandishes a large, broken clock in front of a green-screen and utters this exact quote. Look it up, because using links on this website is somehow taboo.

Para. 35 \- Yet another _It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia_ reference. In an episode entitled "The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation", the notoriously illiterate character Charlie points to a door marked "private" and says "A door marked "pirate". You think a pirate lives in there?"

Para. 39 \- Watch the film _500 Days of Summer_. I'll never say those words again, so just do it.


End file.
